maninvisible

i am an old man now. Not much left in me. except some faint memories. I was wondering this morning why some memories have faded away while some others continue to be a constant companion. I do not remember much of my childhood. whatever little bit i do is related to the bitter experiences that i had when i came to Delhi for the first time. i remember telling my father that i don't think i can go to regular college as i was too timid and was suffering from severe lack of self esteem and self confidence. sometimes i used to think that i should commit suicide, at other times i felt i should see a counselor. i used to escape to my dream world where i had a group of imaginary friends, a wife, three children and my extended family. that was the world that made me happy. the real world was too difficult for me to understand. i just did not belong anywhere. it was a waste of time and effort to try to make everyone happy in the real world. whenever it became too much for me i used to escape to my dream world.

my dream world made me happy. i was the master of my destiny in my dream world.

i spend all my days indoors these days. it is now that i can look back and think about the things that happened to me and around me. i was stupid, childish and did not understand how the world worked. i did not care what the world thought either. i was clumsy and ended up creating trouble for myself and others around me. many people told me that i should leave my job and stay away from the real world. i had always been an outcast so i never felt bad about it. since i was not very good at talking i had no way to find out anything about a person or any event. i tried to compensate that by developing a way by asking questions and observing people. since nobody wanted to talk to me i relied on my observation skills and listening skills to understand what was happening to me or around me.

i had varied interests. reading and writing. listening to the radio.

my life is done . now i would like to discuss some events that happened earlier in my life. i have nothing to loose. i know by this time everybody has forgotten me. everybody would have grown old. so i am pretty sure everybody has forgotten who i am, even if someone faintly remembers me i do not think they can do much about it. i am not scared anymore.

i had dreams. now i have no dreams. not anymore.
I have managed to blow everything, i have no friends, anywhere. and now i am not interested. i will remain cold to the world the way the world has remained cold to me. i am hated with the strength with the heat of a thousand suns. i will speak only when spoken to. i will lay low forever. i am not going anywhere. at the moment i am in singapore. will write more soon.